As you may have heard or read, we have an election in a few days. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, because it would be impossible to not know there is an election going on. Signs are everywhere: when I open my mailbox it’s stuffed with fliers that look like they got in a fight with each other and finally declared a truce. No matter what channel I watch on TV, Meg or Carly or Jerry or Barbara is only a commercial break away. When I drive to work the sides of the road are stacked with signs that even my tunnel-vision can’t miss. Of course, all of this is designed on the idea that repetition will keep the candidate’s name in our minds and thus make us subliminally vote for them; a sort of passive brain-washing. These politicians think they have every possible advertising opportunity covered, but as a service to them I’d like to suggest a few ideas for getting even more coverage.
Porn. I’ve been known to watch a bit of porn on occasion – days that end in “y”, because I found a penny on the sidewalk, because I’m happy, because I’m angry, you get the picture – and I’ve yet to see any of my porn prefaced by a political ad. What are they waiting for? That is when I’m a most captive audience, waiting for the porn to start. I don’t want to paint a mental picture for ya, but yeah, once the film is rolling I’m not going anywhere or changing the channel. True, seeing Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown right before I’m trying to rub out a solo would totally kill the mood and piss me off, but at least I’d remember them. It’s also an opportunity for some electioneering: Jerry could put a picture of Meg before the porn and say “Meg doesn’t want you knocking out a solo! Vote for me.” and that would be pretty damn effective, and might even make me fire out an angry shot just to piss her off. Missed opportunity.
Food. Just imagine getting your kid a happy meal and hearing their disappointment when they get the Barbara Boxer action toy. Just imagine what I would do with that toy while watching some porn prefaced by Jerry Brown telling me Meg Whitman doesn’t want me to rub one out. On second thought, scratch that. I don’t think any of us want to go there. Missed opportunity.
Homeless people. This actually helps solve a problem while getting the word out. Give blankets and clothes adorned with your name to homeless people. It’s like a mobile billboard! You can also do some crafty plants; give out stuff with your opponents logo to the really crazy homeless folk and create a negative impression of their name. Missed opportunity.
These are just a few of my ideas. Actually, these are all of them at the moment but I’m sure that with the proper incentive – money – I could come up with more. Meg, Barbara, Jerry, Carly – are you listening? Call me.