Rules to drive by

Not sure if I’ve mentioned these before; if so consider this an amendment.  I have exclusive amendment rights to this blog so I can ram it down your throats if I so desire, and this time I so desire.  Prepare your gullets, here it comes…

#1 lane etiquette. In case you don’t know, the #1 lane is the far left lane, or the fast lane.  It’s supposed to be for passing only, not cruising.  I know, most people, myself included, don’t use it as such.  Accepting that, here are a few rules.  If you’re in the #1 lane and cars are passing you on the right, move over.  I don’t care if you’re making a statement by obeying the speed limit; while you’re doing that safety maneuver you’re also creating a safety hazard because of all the people wanting to pass you.  Yes, they’re breaking the law.  So what.  Saddle up your high-horse and move the hell over.  Don’t be a dick.  Nobody likes that kind of dick.

Other lane etiquette. These apply if you’re not in the fast or slow lanes.  If cars are passing you on the right, move over.  If cars are passing you on the left, you’re probably in the correct lane for your speed.  Well done!  If cars are passing you on the left and right, get the fuck off the freeway!  You don’t deserve to drive because you’re oblivious to what is going on around you.

Slow lane etiquette. Don’t tailgate in the slow lane!  Actually, don’t tailgate in any lane, it’s stupid, but especially in the slow lane.  The slow lane is for – wait for it – people going slow.  Why are you tailgating them?  They’re doing it right!  Quit being an a-hole.

Other rules of etiquette.

If you’re on a one-lane freeway and you have more than four people behind you (and you’re not going up a hill, of course) pull over and let them pass.  This falls under the broad clause of “don’t be an a-hole.”

Use your turn signals.  Even though we usually know where you’re going, a little confirmation is nice.  Especially when you’re about to make a left turn.

Use your cruise control if you have it.  It’s a wonderful device and it makes the drive better.  Why wouldn’t you use it?

Slow down in the parking lot.

Pay attention.  This applies to a lot of different areas – texting, talking on the phone, changing CDs, putting on makeup or shaving, eating, reaching down for something you dropped in the passenger seat, masturbating, writing a novel, picking your nose (or other opening), telling your kid that he/she doesn’t want you to pull over the goddamn car, daydreaming, having some kind of vehicular sex, running from the law (just stop, eventually they’ll get you – they aren’t like Roscoe Coltrane), reaching down…between your legs…and easing the seat back, playing Angry Birds on your phone, reading your mail, or whatever it is you do that takes your eyes off the road.  I know that at some time or another I’ve been guilty of most of those – OK, I just counted and it’s 14 outta 16 – but I’ve been lucky so far and I don’t do most of them any more.  I can’t keep getting lucky indefinitely.  Just think about it before you do it and decide if it’s worth the risk of an accident.

That’s all for now.  See ya on the road…


3 thoughts on “Rules to drive by

  1. When merging onto the freeway, please be at freeway speed or close by the time you get to the top of the ramp. It actually makes merging easier and won’t cause those behind you or in the right lane to have a heart attack.

    Also, stop looking in my window when I’m trying to masturbate. It’s not easy keeping a mental image from the spank bank while driving with one hand; you making me self-conscious isn’t helping matters AT ALL.

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