Yep! I’m throwing my hat into the ring, and I want you to vote for me. It’s easy: all you have to do is write my name, Glen McKee, on the ballot. This will be the first in a series, posted as I think of them, explaining why I’m the perfect candidate for you. Wanna know why? Read on, my friend!
I’m just like you. OK, not really. Not unless you spend too much time watching porn and not enough time on the other, marginally more important things in life, like family and making yourself a better person. But, chances are I’ve been through many of the things you have. Deciding which bill to pay this paycheck and which one will wait until the next payday. Making bad decisions but learning from them and recovering. Liking the smell of your own farts. Occasionally telling inappropriate jokes that fall flat. Being horrible at karaoke. Trying to be a good parent and hoping like crazy I don’t fuck up my kid too much before she gets out. Watching too much sports. Rocking like a motherfucker and just being generally awesome. If you’ve done any or all of those, I’m your next President.
As a write-in candidate, I can’t be corrupted by special interests. Ha ha ha, OK, I couldn’t keep the straight face too long after that. God, I wanna be corrupted, but not that much. A decent house with my man-cave – not the garage, that’s a separate domain that is biblically (I know, non-religious people don’t get to quote the bible. Shut up.) ceded to man, along with the occasional virgin – and a library, a nice TV and sound system, and season tickets to the Angels. After that, it’s all unnecessary and I don’t really want it. I’m a simple guy. So while I’m eager to be corrupted, I promise to hold it to those limits and to only accept bribes from groups I at least sorta agree with. Finally, an honest politician!
We need a president with facial hair. And a few tattoos. And a pierced ear, even if I haven’t worn an earring since the first Bush was in office. And, if elected I promise to select at random one person who voted for me and let them choose what my next tattoo will be – with my agreement, of course. No, I’m not getting the dick tattoo right over my ass! Not falling for that one again. And no Yankees tattoo, either. That would actually be worse than the ass-dick.
My inauguration would kick much ass. I’m still working this out in my mind, but I’d love to have Alice Cooper do a few songs with his stage show and then have Danny Elfman reunite Oingo Boingo and play “Little Girls” just to make it insanely awkward. And then I’d duet with David Lee Roth on “Just a Gigolo.” Come on, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t want to see that! Bozey bozey bop!
And finally, the most important reason to elect me:
I couldn’t be any worse that the guys who have been doing it for the last 50 years, and chances are I’d be significantly better. As people on the internet say when they want you to believe some sort of bullshit is true, FACT! I’d be the best president you’ve ever seen. I served in the military for 20 years so I have that patriotism thing going on for me. I’m mildly attractive, although I need to skip the breakfast burritos and fit into my not-fat pants again. I’m a moderate and I try to look at issues from the middle and see what is best. I said try, I didn’t say I always succeed. I’m not beholden to any political party or ideology. I shower regularly and shave occasionally. I’m a bit crazy but I’m honest about it. I’m white but I’m kinda brown inside. I’m not ashamed that I like disco. If this doesn’t convince you, then go ahead and vote for one of the other guys or gals and keep getting the same thing. Just remember, if you don’t vote for me and I DO get elected, I will
have the military fucking hunt you down and kill your stupid ass harbor no ill will for you, but will hope you’ll come to be glad I was elected.
I’m Glen McKee, and I want you to write my name on the ballot in 2012. I wouldn’t do the same for you because I’m better than you, and let’s face it, don’t you want somebody better than you for president? I know I do, and since I don’t see anybody else stepping up that meets that important requirement…
Glen McKee in 2012.