I sit down when I pee.

I’m sure there are some people who read the title and say “I knew it!” but stick with me here.  Not all the time, but occasionally, and those occasions are getting more frequent.  I can hear you out there saying “Glen, we already knew you’re not the manliest of men, you don’t need to explain any further.”  But yes, I do need to explain, to try to convert you like I’ve been converted.  Why should you, as a dude’s dude (or the wife/SO of a dude, whom you’ll want to convince after reading this) want to sit down when you pee?

It’s the middle of the night.  Perfect time for a man to cop a squat when he pees.  You can do it in the dark and still maintain a certain level of unconsciousness, so a return to blissful sleep is possible.  If you stand up, you either have to not care much about your aim or turn the light on, and wake yourself up a bit.  This is the one time when most men already sit to pee.  It’s like a gateway drug to unmanliness.

You’re lazy.  Self-explanatory.  Sitting is easier than standing.

You have something else to do while peeing.  Reading a book, playing Angry Birds on the phone, shaving with an electric razor, putting on makeup, picking your nose, deep thinking – all valid reasons to sit when you pee.

It negates the whole “seat up/seat down” argument.  First, let me say this argument about the position of the toilet seat is a load of hooey.  Both sexes should check the position before doing their business; fake problem solved.  However, if you’re a weak man and have some issues with your ladyfriend about seat position, this will put an end to those arguments.  However, it’s by far the least manliest reason to do this and it may result in you growing a (much bigger) sympathetic vagina.  Use this reason at your own risk, Nancy boy.

You don’t have to worry about aim.  I was in the Navy for 20 years and I’ve been in bathrooms all over the world, and one thing I can say is universal is that men have horrible aim and don’t like to clean up after themselves.  Not me, of course: I like my bathrooms and toilets clean.  I hate a dirty bathroom.  Sitting down to pee mostly eliminates the drips on the top of the seat and in front of the john, and the weird stains that show up on the outside of the toilet.  Saving work is manly.

What about the drawbacks, I hear you ask, other than the obvious?  Sure, there are a few.

It’s less fun.  When you sit down you don’t get to take target practice, nor do you get the joy of placing both hands on the wall, leaning forward and letting it (d)rip.  You can’t try for silent ops (well, you can but it’s not the same) and you can’t go for the big splash.

Well, that’s about it for the disadvantages.  It’s pretty much a win all the way around.  Join me, my fellow men, in taking a load off when you drain the lizard.

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