I know I’ve mentioned this before but I was reminded today that I’m a serious write-in candidate for president in ’12. Seriously. I’d already given you several most excellent reasons to vote for me but I figure I need to give you some more. If these are repeats, it isn’t because I’m too lazy to look up my last post about this, it’s for emphasis. Yeah, that’s it, emphasis! OK, on to the reasons…
Best Inauguration ever! Seriously. Keith Stone (smooth!) would be the guest of honor (sorry, dad.) Tuff would be the opening band – pay-to-play, of course – and then Megadeth would play “The System Has Failed.” Night Ranger would be the headliner and they would of course close with “(You Can Still) Rock in America.” That’s like layers of awesome.
The job of President would be a huge pay raise for me. When was the last time a candidate could say that? That’s incentive to do the job well, so I can keep it for eight years. I don’t want you to fire me after four; I want the extended gravy train. My motives might not be pure but I’m honest about them. More than the prestige and the endless flights on Air Force One – OK, maybe not more than the flights but right up there – is what the job itself would do to my bank account.
We need a white man back in office. I know you were all thinking that. Don’t call me racist for putting voice to those thoughts.
I have loads of foreign experience. Not that that matters much right now, domestic issues rule the day. Still, I’ve at least been to quite a few places overseas, and not just to the bars and whorehouses. I’ve also been to the pubs, clubs, inns, taverns, brothels, and houses of ill repute. I try to get around and experience a culture.
I’ve made almost every financial mistake you can make. I’ve even learned from some of them. That learning will come in handy on a macro level. Hopefully.
I’m one of you. Really. I’m not a lawyer, I love sports, I spend too much time on the internet, I scratch when and where it itches, I make mistakes, and I fall asleep hoping that the decisions I made during the day will turn out OK. Just like you.
I have facial hair. You know what recent president had facial hair? That’s right: Teddy Roosevelt. Now, I’m not saying I’m Teddy Roosevelt but we do have that in common, and that’s a good place to start.
I have tattoos. You know what president had tattoos? Yep, Abe Lincoln. It’s a little-known fact that he had a tribal around his left bicep. Abe’s Secret Service code name was Abe-bro-ham.Now, I’m not saying I’m Abe Lincoln but we do have that in common.
I’m bald. You know what president was bald? That’s right: JFK. OK, it was after he was shot but still. I’m bald and I still have my entire huge head.
I’m forgetful. You know what president was forgetful? Every damn one of them. Especially when it comes to things they might have done which are being questioned before some sort of congressional board. With me you already know I’m gonna play the “I don’t remember” card but you’ll know I’m actually telling the truth – I really don’t remember.
So, if you want a president who is a combination of Lincoln, JFK, Reagan, Roosevelt, and you, then vote for me. The choice is clear.