“I’m a god. Not the God, I don’t think.” Phil, Groundhog Day
I figured that it’s about time I started my own religion, to coincide with my write-in candidacy for president in 12. This will solve many potential problems: I won’t have to answer the pesky religion questions during my campaign, I’ll get that sweet tax-exempt status which is like a second income, and (in theory) I’ll have hot women worshipping and throwing themselves at me (along with plenty of ugly ones, but hey, I’m not discriminating.) It’s a win all the way around for me. So, onto the tenets of my religion, in an easy-to-read FAQ.
What’s it called, Glen? What’s it called? I think it should be based on my name so that the mere utterance of it will make people think of me, and the more they think of me the more successful it will be. Glenism doesn’t work (although I do like it a bit) and McKeeism has too many vowels in a row. My middle name seems to do the trick: Stevenism. Yeah, Stevenism. I like it. Who wouldn’t want to be a Stevenist? If you say “I wouldn’t” then you’re lying, and part of this religion is that I’m the only one who gets to lie. I do it because I have to, for you.
Who is your God? Me, of course. And you, and everybody else. We’re all gods and we don’t know it or won’t accept it. We’re all the pilots of our own destiny and the determiners of our own fate; we just have to believe it. There’s no invisible peeping tom watching you 24/7 and making notes of all you do; your soul is your own responsibility. This might make you wonder how I’m needed, and the answer is simple: guidance. I’ll point you in the right direction but it’s your responsibility to start the car and keep it moving forward. I don’t get blamed for your failures, nor do I take credit for your successes. You do.
What does your religion think about gay marriage, drugs, and abortion? We’re gonna be the first religion to not just tolerate, but to embrace gay marriage. That’s a huge, mostly untapped market right now and I’d be crazy not to (exploit) welcome it into my fold. Drugs – you can do whatever you want as long as you’re not hurting anybody else. What you do to yourself is your business and your business alone. Abortion – I don’t like it but I won’t condemn those who get one. It’s a horrible choice to make and I think most people don’t make it easily or lightly.
How much do we tithe to you, oh wise one? As much or as little as you want. Hell, you can give me buttons if that’s all you have to give. My wealth comes from the satisfaction of helping others. Oh yeah, and from books, endorsements, speaking appearances, direct marketing, and that beautiful tax-exempt status. If you give me more money it won’t help your soul, nor will it save you in any way. It will just make you broke and increase my bottom line.
How do we pray in Stevenism? You don’t, or maybe you do. I’m still hashing that out. Prayers are essentially pleas to ourselves disguised as supplication; we’re trying to reinforce something that has deep meaning when we pray, and the more you repeat something, the more likely you are to make it happen. So, either pray or don’t pray. It’s your call. If it helps you get through the night or quit drinking or do/don’t do whatever it is you wish to do/not do, go right ahead.
How are your churches organized? There are no churches, and little organization. Why? Because those take money to operate and you need your money, I don’t. I want you to keep it. Organize get-togethers with other Stevenists and have a blast. Crack a keg (as long as you don’t drink and drive), I don’t care. When you do get together, my only rule is that you end on a positive note – perhaps we could call it the Stevenistic Happy Ending. The goal of this religion is to make you feel good about yourself.
Are you serious? Yes. No. I’m serious in that this is how I get through the day and I think it can work for you, too. My soul is in no jeopardy and my actions and thoughts belong to me. It’s a good feeling.
Are other religions tolerated in Stevenism? Of course. But no proselytizing; that’s where I draw the line. No judging, either. We do enough judging in our personal lives – for good reason, I think; there’s a biological imperative to distrust something that isn’t us – and we don’t need to add more.
Will your religion fight to defend itself? No, but the people of my religion will fight to defend themselves. They won’t fight under the banner of religion.
That’s it for now. If you have any more questions feel free to ask; I have answers.