First, let’s set the mood for reading this entry. Click on this link to get some appropriate music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hphwfq1wLJs
Now to the subject on hand. On a message board I post on – won’t name it, but it rhymes with schmangelswin.com – the issue of gay rights has come up a few times recently. Not surprisingly, the old standby slippery slope arguments get mentioned: if we give gays the right to marry/serve in the military, don’t we then have to give the same rights to polygamists, pedophiles, and animal enthusiasts? Doesn’t that open a door we need to keep closed?
I never fail to be amazed at how quickly those arguments follow, as if being gay is a gateway condition for multiple spouses, young love, and putting peanut butter on your genitals so your dog will lick it off. Evidently, being gay is the marijuana of sexual preferences.
Most people with more than a few brain cells colliding realize that the pedophile/zoophile argument is a no-win even if they believe it to be true, so they’ve moved on to the polygamy angle. If we give gays the right to marry, don’t we then have to give that same right to polygamists?
First, there’s it’s deficient thinking to link polygamy with homosexuality. Actually, straight marriage – or just plain old “marriage” – opens the door for polygamy more than does gay marriage. Polygamy is generally when a man takes more than one wife, marriage is when a man takes one wife. See how connected they are? The only difference is numbers.
However, this got me wondering if there are any gay polygamists out there. If you think about it, that would be pretty awesome. Let me explain. Men usually get with women initially for the sex. Given our druthers we’d probably rather hang out with the dudes than with the significant other. Nothing personal, ladies, and I think you understand. It works the same for you: given your choice with sex out of the equation, would you rather hang out with another broad or with a dude? Don’t lie.
This goes back to something I’ve said before: I think I would kinda enjoy the gay lifestyle, up to and stopping directly at the point where I have to have sex with another dude. That’s the deal-breaker. I can appreciate a man who looks good naked – OK, not entirely naked but with some boxer briefs on (size comparison issues here) – but that doesn’t mean I want him playing hop-on-pop with me. Similar to how I can appreciate how cool a Mini Cooper looks, but god would I never want to squeeze into one and drive it.
Back on topic – the gay polygamy. This could be my million-dollar idea I’ve been waiting for. There have to be gay closeted Mormons out there, and they need to be served and tithe to me. Not only that, but I’m sure I could convince some gays to “become Mormon” with the incentive of multiple spouses. Think about it – you probably have a few different friends of the same sex you like to hang out with, but at certain times you want to avoid one/some/all of them. Gay polygamy gives you a nice pool of spouses to mingle with. It’s like an orgy where everybody stays over all the time, except for when they go to work or whatever else they do. That seems like an easy sell to me! I’m picturing the episode of the Simpsons with John Waters, when Homer thinks Bart might be gay and then takes him to a steel mill to get him straight, and then the whistle blows and the gay fiesta begins.
So that’s my idea. And really, the crux of it is: we shouldn’t care what consenting adults (note that I used that phrase to rule out pedos and zoos) do together or apart to make themselves happy, as long as nobody else is hurt, unless they want to be. Give the gays every right the straights have, they deserve it. And give me the exclusive rights to the Gay Mormon Church.