By now you’ve already made up your mind who you’re going to vote for, unless you’re a knuckle-dragging troglodyte. Seriously, who are these undecided voters every year, and why do they have so much power relative to those who have already made up their minds? Anyway…you can vote for Hillary, or Trump, or Johnson (#SlipAJohnsonIntoTheWhiteHouse, remember who started that [me]), or Stein.They are the valid, traditional candidates.
Or, you can write in a candidate, as in, me.
Before you brush me off, understand that America has a rich tradition of write-in candidates being successful. OK, perhaps not rich. Actually, it’s piss-poor but some notable politicians have had success through this route. Herbert Hoover, FDR, Nixon, and JFK all won presidential primaries through write-ins. So, there’s precedent.
With that established, why would you vote for me? I’m glad you asked, hypothetical person. Here is my platform, guaranteed to sway you to my candidacy.
- I’d be a one-term only president. If I can’t get my shit done in one term, why would you want me around for a second? This also guarantees I’ll focus exclusively on my job, being president and stuff. No campaigning halfway through my term. All it takes is one term for me to get those sweet ex-president benefits for life, and I’d love to have those. My presidential library would be the tits.
- I’d convince Joe Biden to have some sort of role in my presidency. Joe goddamned Biden, man. I could get him and Andrew W.K. to be the official Party Ambassadors of the US. I could have Joe be co-president, instead of veep. I could just keep him around for the photo ops, the soundbites, and his all-around Joe-ness. The more I think about it, his job would be just to be Joe Biden. Kinda like on all of those albums in the 80s that listed in the credits “John Kalodner: John Kalodner.” Joe’s job would be to just be Joe. Joe Biden: Joe Biden.
- My first Executive Order would be to establish Line Monitors in every store or place that has a queue. I would train the first batch and then they’d train the next, and so on. Line Monitors would determine which of two (or four, or six; always an even number) lines you would get it: fast lines or slow lines. Determinations would be based on age, method of payment, familiarity with using method of payment, items in cart, whether you’re using coupons, if you have annoying kids with you, and so on. White people, my people, would love me for this and would want to declare me dictator for life.
- Infrastructure and education. Both of those need serious attention. Put Americans (and immigrants, they pay taxes too) to work rebuilding our country. It needs it. Invest in education as well, and this includes trade schools. If you want to go to college or you want to go to welding school, we’ll help you out. I’ve spent a lot of time in college and I’ve spent a lot of time working on aircraft and my cars, and in my yard. I can appreciate all of that.
- Less war. War sucks, period. Sometimes it’s required but often it’s not and I’d err on that often side as much as I could. Diplomacy would always be the first and foremost option.
- New national holidays, and goodbye to an old one. The First Day of Baseball would be a holiday, it would be on a Monday, and every team would play. Alternately, if you’re not a fan of baseball you can take the first day of your chosen sport off instead, or if you’re not a fan of sports you can pick a random day. This would serve two purposes: recognizing baseball, and getting rid of that dreadful stretch from mid-February through July 4th with no national holiday. Government workers and military, you know what I’m talking about. Heck, to make it more appealing to the kids these days that I’m so old I no longer understand, just call it Game Day and then you can sit at home and play video games. I’d also make every voting day a holiday. I know that doesn’t mean people would automatically get it off, but it would help. Finally, to balance things out I’d get rid of Columbus Day or at least change it to something like Kung Fu & Pizza day, because everyone loves at least one of those.
- I want this job for the right reasons. Financially, and everything else-ly, it would be a huge step up. I’m not power-hungry or vainglorious. I just want the perks, and I want to make America a little bit better in my wake. I think that America is still pretty good right now, but just like all of us it has flaws that need to be corrected.
- We need a bald guy with tattoos who has made a few bad choices in office. Man oh man, am I that guy. I’ve fucked up enough that I know what not to do as well as what to do. I can relate to just about everybody except the rich people, and screw them anyway. They don’t need relating to. The other day on Facebook a friend posted an image that said something like “Money can’t by happiness buy poverty can’t buy anything.” Or, to quote David Lee Roth, “Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” So what I’m saying is, rich people can self-soothe. I’m here for the rest of you.
- My inauguration. Man, it would be kick-ass. I’d have Mike Trout throw out the first pitch for no reason. I’d have Van Halen with Sammy AND Dave. Joe Biden would be there. There would definitely be dwarfs. Id’ wear Miami Vice-era clothes. At some point I’d probably throw up and show my man-tits (in no particular order) because I can’t handle my booze. My first morning as president would be spent doing jack-shit for the country because I’d be recovering from a hangover. Somebody would probably die.
I could go on, but you get the point. Write me in. You know I’d do a better job than anybody currently on the ballot.