I’ve been doing this every election for a while now. Write me in for president, blah blah blah. It hasn’t worked yet but the hobgoblin of little minds compels me to keep trying. I could tell you about the differences between me and all of the other candidates, and make a laundry list of great reasons to vote for me. Instead, I’ll just limit it to one thing:
I fucking swear.
Not all the time, and I am trying to cut back (do or do not, shut up Yoda), but yes, I swear. You rarely see a candidate drop an expletive or two and on the super-rare occasion they do, it’s huge news as people with pop-rocks for brains gasp in shock.
Fuck that shit.
Most of us swear. To those that don’t, I tip my cap. I respect that choice and it’s a choice I may make at some later point in life. That’s my way of courting your vote. See, I’m almost like you!
I’ve often said I view swearing like spices in cooking. Let’s call them garlic. A bit of garlic can improve many dishes. Too much garlic will destroy anything. Many dishes are just fine without garlic, but some of them wouldn’t be the same without them. Used judiciously, garlic swears can be an important part of any vocabulary.
I’ve also often wondered about how absurd the idea of “bad words” is. For another shitty analogy, think of words as tools. Now imagine you have all these tools in your garage, but off to one side in the corner you have the “bad tools” that you’re not supposed to use. They’re perfectly functional and they have a purpose, but you don’t use them much because some people think they’re bad. Ridiculous, eh? Perhaps because my collection of tools is small, I like to use them all. Even the bad ones. Sometimes they’re the most fun to use. I just don’t understand having words and placing restrictions on them.
But I can hear you, my imaginary reader, saying “Well, Glen, do you want children going around swearing all the time? Huh, do ya, because that’s what we’ll get?” Well…yes and no. Stick with me. Remember the tools in the garage? Now imagine the bad tools in the shadowy corner aren’t bad tools, but privileged tools. You have to earn the right to use them. There are different ways to earn that right. One is with age. After, let’s say, 16 you should be free to utter whatever you want. Prior to that, the privilege can be granted upon special occasions. If you stub your toe hard enough, even if you’re 15 you’re entitled to a “god DAMMIT that hurt!” or something similar. If you’re 13 and you’ve been studying for weeks for some school test and you think you did well, and then you get it back and see you got an F, well then you’ve earned a “Fuck!” It encapsulates the situation in one tidy word. But keep in mind that it’s like garlic – too much is a bad thing. You can’t be all “fuck this” and “fuck that” and “fuck your mother.” That’s just rude, and thoughtless.
To get back on topic: vote for me, because I swear I’ll swear for you. Putin starts getting all cocky on the US? I’m right there with an “aww hell no, asshole!” and I’m knocking his dick in the dirt. Kim Jong Un comes to visit? I’ll diplomatically ask “dude, the fuck’s up with your haircut?”
Think about it. You know that behind the scenes all of the candidates are swearing. Here’s a few examples of how I imagine they’re doing it:
HILLARY CLINTON: “Bill, I swear, if I see that goddamned cunt here ONE MORE TIME I’m chopping your dick off!”
DONALD TRUMP: (Looking in the mirror) “If you were a chick and you were as hot as my daughter I’d totally fuck you!”
BERNIE SANDERS: “I hate that whore Hillary Clinton and I look forward to schlonging her like Obama did! Take it from a white man this time, bitch!” (That last sentence may have been overboard, but hey, it’s my racist imagination. Feel the Bern and whatnot.)
JEB! BUSH: “What the shit, man. I’m smarter than George. Why the hell don’t people like me?”
MARCO RUBIO: “A la mierda todos estos pendejos que votan por Trump.” (Thanks, google translate!)
RAND PAUL: “Seriously, who do I have to fucking blow around here to make people realize I’m the best choice on the right?”
BEN CARSON: He may be the only one that doesn’t swear but I’ll still give it shot. “Dammit, what happened to me, and why do I always need a nap?”
So yeah, vote for me. Don’t be ashamed of your garlic.