OK, I’m about a week late on this, but I’ve been busy. Or not busy, and lazy. I’m hoping this post title will get some extra reads for me, and perhaps scare some people away as well. Be forewarned: this is a straight man talking about another man’s penis, and there will be a link so you can see what I’m talking about.
About a week ago, somehow the general internet public was treated to some pictures Greg Oden took of his power forward – that’s my clever basketball pun for penis – to send to his woman of choice. Here’s a pic of Greg Oden (not of his dong):
Dude is barely old enough to drink, and he already looks older than me. Not exactly the most handsome fella either, if I may judge. You might say he has a rugged sort of charm, if you viewed him from a distance or if you were Velma from Scooby-Doo and not wearing your glasses. However, he’s an NBA star – well, sorta – and he gets paid some serious bank, so you’d guess he wouldn’t have a problem attracting the ladies. Let me clarify that I’m not calling women whores here – at least not all of you – but we all know that money can certainly make up for some shortfalls. It can certainly cover for whatever Greg may be lacking in the looks department.
However, it seems I may be wrong with that statement. Either that, or Greg just wanted to show off and tease his lady/ladies a little bit. For some reason, he felt compelled to text some pics of his third leg to said women. I’m also going to wager he knew, on some level, that those pics would wind up in the public domain. Odds are about 120% that if a celebrity of any strip takes a pic of his dick and sends it to somebody, it will end up on the internet in about the time it takes to cook a three-minute egg. Or less. Things like that just don’t stay private. So I’m guessing that a part of him – we all know which part, hello! – wanted everyone to see the pics.
And now we can. Following is a link to the pics. Be forewarned once again: if you click on the link you will see confirmation that at least in this case, the stereotype is frighteningly accurate:
http://deadspin.com/5457361/greg-odens-gigantic-penis-is-also-healing-nicely
The rollover title for that link came from a comment in the link, not my imagination.
And here’s another link with more clear photos, just in case you missed it:
http://perezhilton.com/2010-01-27-nba-star-greg-odens-peen-pics
The rollover title for that link was provided by WhiteHouseSubsAC on the metal sludge board, god love him.
So, there are the pics. White guys like me are forever scarred after seeing them; for reasons why, see my post about how men want to hurt women during sex. ( https://tin00can.wordpress.com/2009/11/13/two-barely-related-subjects-mashed-together/) It’s like seeing someone destroy cement with a jackhammer after you’ve been doing it all your life with a squeaky mallet and stubby screwdriver. It makes me want to go out and buy a Porsche, total it, and get an even bigger Porsche. Fuck man, there’s no way to compete with that. He’s tall, and that thing hangs almost to his knees.
Now I know there will be women out there who say “that’s way too big for me, I’d never want a man with a dick that big!” A lot of those women are imaginary and exist only in my fragile little mind, but there are also a few out there in the real world. They prefer to be called lesbians. Ha. I know that may indeed be too big for some women out there, but once again refer to my pain/sex post. Plus, the thought of having something that big between my legs appeals to my laziness. It seems like with a dick like that it would take at least a little less effort than I usually have to put out to please a woman – which is quite a lot – and anything that makes my life easier and/or lazier, especially in the bedroom, is something I want. See, we’d both win, my woman and me: she’d be just as satisfied as before, if not more so, and I’d have the pleasure of satisfying her without putting as much work into it. I call this the “Civil Service Theory of Sexual Satisfaction”; my job is bleeding over into my personal life, and I’m looking for ways to do everything I already do, but with less actual work. If I could build a robot to take care of my daughter during certain weekends while I goofed off, goddamned right I’d be all over it. Of course, I’d make the robot with a video recorder so I could see him having those precious moments with my offspring, during commercial breaks of course. Again, everybody wins.
So, in closing I’d like to thank Mr. Oden for finding yet another way to make me feel inadequate. Fuck man, I really needed that; I was feeling good about how things were going lately and a back-to-Earther is just what the doctor ordered. I’d just like to add that while I certainly can’t measure up to him in the dong department, at least I don’t have a face that could make a freight train take the dirt road. Suck on that, Greg.
Parenthetical Thinking 